I'm learning that there is NOTHING I can do to help my AH. I can't keep fretting over every move he makes our doesn't make. All I can do is focus on me and my own health.
You mention that you need help. Explore that. What help do you need? How are you broken? Be honest. What can you do about you?
I've felt so guilty for all my actions. I've felt like I let everyone down. Yet, I gave so much! That's all part of being CO dependent. I'm learning this now.
I'm also learning to focus on my own health. On my own feelings. My own actions.
When I decided I was too tired of my life. I chose to leave him and go to a safe place. Guess what?he's still doing the same things.
After coming to this forum...not even two weeks ago. I've made such great progress.
I examined myself. I found I've relied on him for everything and my happiness was mine to get. It has nothing to do with him.
So I needed to get healthy. How? How was I sick?
First, I was physically ill. I stopped caring about my body. Depleted myself of nutrition, sleep, and even medication for my hyperthyroidism! All because I was so tired of caring for him.
So I went to the doctor and got meds. I got up and made a lunch that I enjoyed cooking. It wasn't out of a paper bag from a fast food place. That felt good. I also got a new hair straightener. I spent money on myself and gave myself a gift. Darn, he's spent plenty on himself! And I nap! Did I mention i take naps!?
I then decided that I'm broken on the inside too. I have a broken heart. A broken spirit. So I go to church. I fellowship. I call my friends on the phone and talk for an hour! I go to walk around the mall. Took my daughter to the park!
I also realise that his sickness had fuelled a sickness in me. Dependency. From this forum I've gotten suggestions on books to read. Blog posts. Vents. It's all new. But, I'm doing my home work. I'm reading about his illness and mine. I'm starting cr meeting and alanon. And therapy. I'm being honest with myself, with you, and my family.
I don't make excuses for him or me.
It's so freeing. So calm.
I'm not there yet. I'm learning to be content. I'm learning that I can be happy regardless of what he does. It's in my hands.
You can do it too! You can be free. You have to educate yourself. Trust yourself. Believe that you can change. And embrace it. You deserve to be happy.
He can choose to get better or he can choose not to. It's your choice if you decide to be better or not to.
I know is a long rambling post and I'm sorry. But I'm starting to get excited about my life again. For the first time in years. And I hope you find that excitement too!