First, I do not believe that God (my higher power) wants any pain for us. He gives us choices and its up to us to choose our direction. But, we are loved despite. I knew my husband was an alcoholic when I married him and God did not give me to marry him. But, HE did allow it. Because my God is not a forceful God. I knew that I would struggle but chose to ignore it. And now I'm leaving on God and his plan for me. Having faith that despite my choices he will confine to love me and help me heal. I pray that you have healing as well. And that you find purpose and support. This is a great forum. You will have courage to do what is right for you. Post for guidance. God is merciful and good. We are human and make choices that dictate our pasts and our futures. Remember you are a beautiful creation. Wonderfully made. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and loved. You also capable of making good and healthy choices. Just trust your instincts. Hugs! This is such a hard road to walk. I'm walking it too .