Hey,
I'm not a preacher or a theologian -- I'm just a co-stumbler on the path of alcoholic marriage and I know the feeling of utter betrayal when you realize it doesn't matter how much you want it to work and how much you work to get it to work -- you can't fix it.
So here's how I kind of think about the whole God thing. And believe me, I've thought about it. I've had some pretty loud arguments with him. And I'm not saying this applies to anyone else, but I've sort of found peace with it this way:
I thought if I just did everything right, things would turn out right. I thought if I was a good godly wife, God would reward me by making my husband become sober. I also sort of envisioned there would be a lot of apologies and I would be magnanimous and smiling (like the Queen of England) and forgiving my husband for treating me badly.
I was very, very PROUD. I really felt above other people -- definitely my husband, and definitely Other Women Who Left Their Alcoholics. Because I was never going to do that. Because I not only had STRENGTH, I also had FAITH! And God would fix it all.
What I figured out is that God doesn't work like a gum ball machine, where you get rewarded according to what you put in. God's not so much concerned about rewarding me as he is about reworking me. Making me a better person. And man oh man, that HURTS.
I don't think I'm a better person on this side of an alcoholic marriage. I think I'm a more humble person. And I'm a happier person. I prayed and cried and argued with God for years, trying to get him to understand that he had to make my husband sober. Well -- God works with the person who's putting him or herself in God's hands and saying "HELP ME!!!" But he doesn't always work things the way we'd like.
I heard a preacher on the radio today compare us to back seat drivers -- we say "Jesus take the wheel" and then we go "YOU need to be in the OTHER LANE!" and "Hey, you can speed up, you're not going fast enough." That kind of hit home with me.
Your heart is broken. Smashed into pieces. Stomped on. And then smashed some more. Your pain is so, so raw. It's OK. It won't always feel this way. I promise. Be mad. At yourself, at your husband, at God. (He can handle it. He's big enough.) Cry. Be sad. But take care of yourself. You are God's precious child. He never meant for you to be ripped apart by another person's addiction. He didn't mean for your husband to become an alcoholic either.
Your husband made the choice to drink, and not get help. You're choosing to get help, and move through the pain, even though you're not sure where God is in all of this. You're being very brave, and you're being stronger than you know, and I know God will make up the difference. Or, as someone said to me -- those times when you wonder where God is? Remember, the teacher is always silent during the test.