When I saw clearly that the negative aspects of continuing to "reward" myself with the wine were far outweighing any benefit, I realized it was delusional thinking on my part. The feelings of deprivation, the fear to let it go as an ingrained habit... the desire to "consume" things... I've had to let that go. Feeling afraid, out of control, lacking... all of it, I had to learn to let go
It's true that there's only so much we can control in our lives. And seeing that alcohol was one of the things I used to "control" and "manage" with, when in fact, it was stealing the life and spirit and soul from me... that's when I realized no amount of romanticizing would be enough anymore for me to keep doing it.
My anger was more about things and people that I had allowed to upset me, and anger at myself even. Not so much anger that I could no longer drink. The drinking was doing nothing more than intensifying the negatives in my life.