I'm sorry eyes
nobody understands someone else's pain and I would imagine it's hard walking around and trying to live a "normal" life constantly in pain. You know, deep down that opening up the gates again would just be tragic. It could be your last time...you have too much life to live and love to give! Your AV has been doing jumping jacks this entire time, it wants to be strong so it can overpower you !! You just have to do more jumping jacks, you just have to be stronger! I know you are.
Have you discussed your pain issues with your dr and talked about alternatives ??
Thinking of you Eyes...