Yes. The therapist gave us a reference for a couple's counselor. I am hoping that we can come to some sort of middle ground. If it turns into solely a blame game then it will be a waste of time. If my wife loses that one she will likely think that I somehow manipulated the therapist into attacking her (my response would likely be the same if I was told I was slowly to blame). I will own the things I did wrong, but I am not going to own her reactions to me. She is responsible for her actions the same way I am responsible for mine. That is the way I see it anyway.
I do know that it is impossible to tell my wife anything directly and anything good come of it. If I point something out that is bothering me then she is immediately defensive. I don't really hold that against her, per se. It seems like human nature to me. You can only admit you are wrong so many times before it starts messing with your head, and you begin to question everything. Sometimes I will avoid saying something directly, but share a story where I made the same mistake that I perceive that she is making. That way she doesn't see it as a direct attack. When she connects the dots on her own it seems to be more effective, because she reflects on her own actions without the need to defensive. Also, she keeps her pride by via the sensation that she figured it out. She has seemed oblivious to this in the past, but my efforts only provided temporary results. We'll see if that is effective. The problem is that it takes a great deal of patience for me to use that approach.
Blue - haha...don't worry I don't identify as a codependent - yet. What happens if a codie catches a habit anyway? Are they then an addict, still a codie or both? True, I am trying to influence her actions (directly or indirectly), but I am leaving it to the pros for the most part. I must confrss that I am not going to be passive in the process though. Her past doctors have been unimpressive with their results.