Myrrah I can relate to everything you are saying 100%. Trying hard to control my drinking so I could get home and drink at my pace. Feeling glad when my husband fell asleep early so I could drink my wine even faster.
I would so everything to protect my alcohol. I would lie, I would deny, alcohol was my best friend. That first sip, the fuzzy warmth with the buzz. But I could never stop there and be content.
I wanted more, to drink into oblivion. And if I had to stop for whatever reason, I was pissed. My addictive voice got angry, I would get a headache and get tired. I wanted to be up, drinking until blackout only to wake up and wonder who did I text? Who did I call? Did I curse out my husband or say weird **** that doesn't make sense? Did I repeat myself over and over and over again with my brain being on autopilot?
I dream about alcohol. Some days I obsess about it with every breath I take. I hope this gets easier