Loneliness in early recovery.
The last two weeks of sobriety I’ve noticed an overwhelming feeling of pure loneliness. I’ve had stints of sobriety before, and I know that the first couple months are usually pretty up and down, and the depression does subside over time.
But I was driving home from an AA meeting last night, having just left a huge room filled with people. Some of whom I know, some of whom I made casual chit-chat with. And I’m thinking – why am I so LONELY? Rewind two weeks ago before I got sober. I wasn’t feeling lonely then, so why NOW?
What would I be doing on a Monday night, if I WASN’T in recovery? The answer to that was of course – probably drinking a bottle (or three) of wine on my couch. By myself. I wouldn’t be hanging out with friends. I wouldn’t be doing anything social. At the end, I mostly drank alone, and I mostly drank at home. So here I am – sober, surrounded by people, and I’m lonely. But two weeks ago when I was by myself, with a bottle, I wasn’t.
So this leads me to believe that either:
a) I’m lonely because alcohol has been my "best friend"for a long time, and I'm grieving the loss of that "friendship". (Forget that it was the worst, most evil, backstabbing, traitor best friend ever – I know this.)
b) The loneliness was always there, but alcohol numbed me from it. Now that I don’t have the booze, I’m just starting to feel the real feelings that were always there.
Somebody with solid sobriety once told me that they were never lonely anymore, because their HP was always with them. I was like – wow. I can’t imagine feeling like that. That would be pretty awesome. So...
Maybe the answer is prayer, meditation, trying to enhance that spiritual connection.
Maybe it will just take time to build sober relationships, sober friendships, etc.
Maybe I’m just lonely because of all these secrets in my head, and after doing my step 5 I’ll feel better.
Maybe all of the above.
All I know is that I’d rather be lonely & sober, than drunk & under the delusion that a bottle is somehow keeping me company. What a sad, sad existence that really is when you really think about it. Very sad.