I feel myself slipping into a depression. Some of these thoughts about my family are hitting me heavy lately. So angry, yet so sad over it all. It's not so much grief anymore over my mom or grandmom. I'm surveying the damage done over the years, and just super angry at the way things turned out. Such devastation. It was quiet devastation. The family dissipated. My grandmother wanted me to be the person to hold this family together after she died of cancer. I wanted nothing to do with them. I saw every single flaw and hated them for what they did, didn't do, said, didn't say. I turned my back on them. It felt like I had to in order to save myself from becoming like them. I wanted to get far away.
I know others will be able to relate. Coming from alcoholic, dysfunctional homes. Anyway, I focused on my education, and got away and stayed away.
But now that I'm sober and the chaos is no more... there's this gaping hole. And I am trying to make sense of it all.
My mom's death was a tragedy. My grandmother died from cancer consumed with resentment and hate. My grandfather lives in fear. My mother's two siblings practically disowned her. I was the favored oldest grandchild and so I'm sure you can guess how the family feels about me, the "deserter" of the family.
I feel very sad over it all now.