mischa1

So I am new to this board but need advice badly. This is so incredibly long but I hope someone will read it and help me.

I got married 6 weeks ago and it has been the most horrible time of my life. I married an alcoholic who admitted he was an alcoholic and wanted to get help. I know I should have let him get the help and then marry him. The problem with that is his mother and sister are major enablers and if we were not married they would be in charge of his medical care and not me and therefore it would be pointless to even try. I loved him so much. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. Sure he had his problems but they were situational because the alcoholism had gotten so bad. He was loving and caring and protective, he was always telling everyone how wonderful i was and how lucky was he to have me. You get the picture.

So we get married. It was terrible. He got so hammered he fell flat on his face numerous times. Our wedding only lasted 8 minutes. WOW. Ok not that big of a deal to me in the long run so I totally let it go. He passes out as soon as we hit the hotel room after the wedding. No hug no kiss no dinner no pictures no dancing no nothing. We come home the next day and he proceeds to lay on the couch and smoke and drink non stop. He won't even talk to me at all. Lets not even kid ourselves that there has been any sex. YAY!! Honeymoon. Well we didn't have one just him trashed on the couch throwing up every other hour.

So this goes on for a week exactly and then it gets worse. the insults and put downs and him talking to his ex. I could have died in the floor and he would have just stepped over my body. He cared or loved me exactly zero. more horrible stuff happens and then he has a seizure. Well I have had enough at this point and I call 911. We had already discussed him detoxing and going to rehab but he is uninsured so we were going to try to get that worked out first. Nope...fast track time now. So we go to ER and the ONLY reason they admit him is because I am his wife and he wants to quit so bad and he is so sick and I am so supportive and stable. Hence why we HAD to get married. Had we not been married they would not have taken him.

Moving on. BC of his behavior when he went into hospital I was on zero sleep or food for 4-5 days at least but i was still working my 40 hours. In the hospital I stay by his side 24/7 (except to go to work). Blah blah blah. I'm asleep for the 1st time (in the floor of the hospital room) in well over a week. What is my darling husband doing??????? Texting with his ex how much he misses and loves her. Are you kidding me???? So I get furious and leave the hospital and refuse at the time to come back. there is a huge backstory on the ex but I'll just let you use your imagination. They discharge him that day (ironic the day the loving supportive wife has enough and leaves they boot him out). So he comes home. DENIES he talked to her at all even though we are both looking at the screenshot I took of the part of the conversation he forgot to erase. Seroiusly.

So I try to just let it go. I know he must not feel that great. We had it worked out for him to go to outpatient treatment center 3 hours a day 6 days a week and 2 AA meetings a week. The 1st day is Saturday (we got out of the hosp Friday). It was a family session. We go. It was great. He listened and afterward we discussed it. He said it really makes you think and he seemed receptive to going. By Sunday afternoon he was starting to backslide on the treatment center. By Monday when i got home from he work he said he flat refuses to go to any treatment. He is fine and can do it on his own. I tried to explain to him he had to go bc he was going to feel and experience things he hasn't in a long time and he is not going to know what to do with that. I told him the people at the center will know how to help where I can not. He says he has no cravings and he will not go.

Things continue to get worse and worse everyday. He is mean, disrespectful. Refuses to get a job. Lays on the couch chain smoking and watching tv making huge messes for me to clean up. He name calls and treats me like an employee. Demanding bl## J#bs if you know what I mean. Seriously?!?!?!?! I don't think so. Our marriage is still not consummated at this point. More and more demanding and cruel and cold. Constantly comparing me to his ex and how much better than me she is. At this point he has not worked in 4 months and I have been paying both our bills food gas everything and we live in Los Angeles. I don't make enough money to pay 2 rents and bill. So needless to say my credit card gets maxed out and my bank account completely drained. At this point we are home from the hospital 1 week or so.

By week 2 I strongly suspect he is drinking while I am at work. By week 4 he has had a bad day and gone out drinking. I've had it. I kick him out. He goes to his old apt 2 miles away. My 19 year old son had been living there for the last 2 months as he just moved to LA so I told him to get his stuff (for the 3rd time, my husband was always kicking him out) and moved him to my apartment.

I tried to reconcile with my husband by telling him that if he goes to a 90 day inpatient program he can come home and everything will be fine. He refuses. He will be nice to me for maybe 2 days and then it is back to horrible. I have not let him move back into the house. the entire time he is calling me crazy and stupid and nuts and comparing me to his ex many times daily. He is blaming me for having something going on with his friend. Completely unfounded (is this because he is cheating on me already and projecting???? Probably). Every few days there is some off the wall thing that I have "done" and I am left trying to figure out what he is even talking about.

Where I am now is I have cut him off all the way. I'm not paying for ANYTHING for him at all. I have cut off his phone because he is talking to his ex in RUSSIA!!!! I have to pay for that and I already have no idea how I am going to keep eating at this point. I didn't have a choice. How much abuse is someone supposed to take before enough is enough. So now he has an apt but no money to pay the rent. His friend ask him what he was planning to do about it and he just laughed hysterically and said hey lets go out drinking. (I still talk to this one friend of his) I really believe on top of being an alcoholic he has narcissistic disorder. I have never seen someone flip so quickly from so loving and caring to cold cruel and hurtful. He told his mom he compares me to his ex bc he knows it hurts me and he does it on purpose. WHAT?!?!?!?!

The craziest part of the whole thing is I love him love him love him. I know if he would get the treatment his whole world could change. I love him so much but I just can't take anymore. I have a traumatic brain injury from a car wreck and am legally disabled but I chose to overcome it and still be productive and work. He is well aware of what stress and craziness does to me. I hate that he now has no phone or anything but what choice did he leave me. He has already drained me financially to the point I feel like I have to start stripping to pay the bills and at my age (38) i would prefer not to. He says he is working on the side to his family but it is all lies and they just eat it up and believe him leaving me to be the witch who threw him on the street.

I am looking for a lawyer to try to annul the marriage or at least legally separate or divorce. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ditch him but I have to take care of myself and my son. I don't know what to expect. Is he going to stay away or is he going to try to come back. If he went to treatment I would not divorce and he could still come home. We can work it out but I can't keep paying for him to be so cruel and the LIES are nonstop. The blame is always on me. Anyway. I'm sure you get the point and I'm sorry this is so long. Advise please!!! What do you do when you love them and want to help but are broke and helpless yourself.

Mischa <3