Dear njw,
I'm so sorry you are going thru this never ending crap. That pain, that fear, it's almost too much for one momma to handle. I know, I have two children that caused that fear and pain in me for a long time...until, nearing craziness, I stopped being addicted to their addictions and the endless drama, legal, personal and emotional issues that goes along with it.
I detached myself from my addicted girls.. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. They were 19 and 21, Enough, and it hurt. But, once I did that, I started taking care of myself. I went to meetings for support and found so many other parents having the similar exhaustion and the same nightmare i was in. Then...
I turned off cellphones, took cars away, stopped paying their rent, I stopped entertaining and supporting their addiction.
They were hungry, had to walk everywhere and Buy their own drugs....Ok a consequence.
Then one day, one AD ASKED for help getting off the heroin. She went into the hospital then an IOP program. The other AD followed about 6 months later and is on Subutex. That fear still lives within me, but the volume is turned way down. I guess it never totally goes away. But my smile returned.
Njw, you're not alone in this heartache. Mommas tend to want to fix their children, but this disease can't be fixed by you, no matter how hard you try. Only your child can fix and control their addiction and only when they are ready.
Right now, you know where he is, in jail. So now breath...he is in a safe place. Try to give up this "what iffing" and let it go. He will know when he has had enough.
Keep that joy and hope close to your heart, never give it up.
Take care
TF