Originally Posted by
Serenidad 
So I just don't know how to do this! I was sober for almost 6 years and decided to try some "controlled drinking" last October. BAD IDEA!
Fast forward to today....and I can't go 3 days without drinking. I have watched several of my friends and family members die of alcoholism & during my 6 years of sobriety I would always think to myself "why? You have so much to live for! Your such an awesome person! If you only knew how great it is to be sober!" They died drinking and now I "get it"!
I swear every time I drink I tell myself it will be the last time. But then I get the most horrific craving ever and cave!"
I feel like I am in a dark hole. I feel like I am in quick sand. I feel like I'm never gonna get out!
I hate alcohol and everything it is doing to me & my life yet I keep doing it.
Feeling extremely depressed and hopeless...... :-(
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Your under a spell...think about the fairy tales you learned as a kid. Snow White comes to mind. Well alcohol is that spell and you can't see it now. It takes a little time to gain the clarity.
In the very beginning it's about survival and willpower. I believe this changes over different periods but initially you have to take action.
I doubt you have exhausted all options. What about AA and getti a sponsor? You may not want too but therein lies the willingness. This is life and death ****...I did many things I did not want to but it saved my ass. I needed to augment SR with real life programs and create lots of accountability and change everything in my life.