I was like you in that I had 13 years of being clean and sober before I started drinking again. I, too, thought I could control it and soon discovered that I couldn't. My second "round" of recovery has been significantly different than my first. Not sure why; I'm still figuring it out. But I do think it has something to do with the fact that I'm now different, I've changed. The cravings to drink did suck. But so did the withdrawal (that kindling effect is real). Perhaps you will need to enter treatment to help you medically and emotionally tackle the first few weeks of sobriety. My wish for you is that you take this step and that you can find peace and serenity in your life again; it is possible. So many of us here are examples of it.