Wow. A lot of stuff to address here. I'll just start from the start. I'm not in denial about my drinking. I didn't just buy that bottle of wine for the soup. I bought it because I had one drink after the incident with the guy bonking his head (he isn't epileptic - I overheard him on the phone with 911) and was overwhelmed with this crazy urge to keep drinking. So I bought wine. Like I said, I screwed up.
An excuse to drink? Yeah, I'm willing to buy that. I was genuinely rattled though.
Non alcoholic wine...for cooking...doesn't bother me at all. The variety I used to be able to find also contained salt, so you can't drink it. Cooking with that stuff is in no way a trigger for me. Drinking it? Ew. Out of the question. That statement may cause some controversy, but I'm telling the truth here. I cook with wine from time to time, but it is very dangerous to bring a bottle of regular wine home because I will drink it. No danger with the other stuff. Vanilla extract also contains alcohol sometimes, and I wouldn't drink that either.
So - how do I feel today? I feel like drinking. Immediately. Now. Fortunately, there's no alcohol in the house because I put tomatoes and garlic in it, so there you go.
Not feeling great about myself today, though. There's a very strong urge to give up for a while and come back later. When I'm ready. I realize how stupid that sounds, because I don't think I'll ever feel ready.