Welcome Ellie! You certainly are not alone - many have all, or some of those same feelings.
I sabotaged myself for years too. I had to have really bad things happen in order to face what needed to happen. I can't touch alcohol. We don't need it - it traps us and causes terrible anxiety. We think it's an answer - a way to cope - but it's the opposite.
Glad you found us and wanted to talk about your situation. I hope it helps to know you're among others who understand.