(((Jester))))
Dont quite understand - but you sound soo terribly sad....
Firstly you need to stay sober - just for today......recovery takes time but one day at a time everything becomes clearer.
We forget how much hardship we bestow on those we love when we are using and abusing......there is much healing needed in your life and I understand your anger completely.
My daughter whom I threw out last July has just told me that she doesnt want me to have any part again in her life and that has saddened me - I did ask her back but she refuses to and ......ahhhhhh. But I know that in time and in sobriety that she will come back to the nest but I must be patient and "do the RIGHT things". Funnily her name is Sera so "que Sera Sera"........ what will be will be.
Try to focus on postitive things today - the wonderful children you share and not the negative ones please dear Jester.......