I want to thank everyone for all your post! I saw myself in almost every sentence of the post above^^^^.
It especially gives me hope when I've read the ones from those that had the same battle and have come-out the other side.... It helps combat that feeling of hopelessness.. I had no clue I had these issues.. All along I thought I was loyal, forgiving, dedicated, loving and perservering. I think I needed this guy to be able to really see myself...I kept saying to myself "okay that isn't as bad as your gut is telling you.. give it some more time" and my logical brain was saying "run, and run fast!" I was at war with myself and myself was losing! How's that for an enemy? Now I really for the first time in my life understand the saying she/he's their own worst enemy.. I just didn't realize it was like a split personality.
To the person that said "even more scary to me is the fact that you do not seem afraid of him."
The part of me that makes excuses says he's not that bad, he's not scary, maybe he's just misunderstood, maybe its me?.. Even as I'm typing this I think, did I exaggerate in some ways? Maybe I'm too touchy.. I have a couple of very good friends that in the beginning I told them my doubts and they wanted me to run back then. When I would tell them the hurtful things he said to me and try to make an excuse they would say that's just crazy their is no excuse for that. But I think these things could just have been said in drunkenness or he doesn't have the best vocabulary so maybe that's really his problem.. One time after a lengthy but very nice conversation where he complemented everything about me, especially some things he liked most about me like how soft my skin is ect, ect, he said " I've been thinking, you shouldn't get gastric by-pass surgery it will make you skin all wrinkly." I said gastric by-pass? Who ever said anything about gastric bypass? I mean I know I have some extra weight on me but I don't weigh enough to qualify for that! I weigh 185 lbs, at 5.9 size 12/14 most of my weight is in my butt/boobs..I'm very curvy, my waist is the smallest thing on me. However he knows I was self conscious about my butt because he always reassured me that it was a perfect size... so I took that to mean that he wasn't happy with the rest of me. butt, boobs and skin were good but other then that I need something as drastic as surgery. My friends were livid!! I made excuses...
I still think I'm being harsh.. I really don't think he meant anything by it. He is in such wonderful physical shape and he just has high expectations that others should be also.. He thinks his daughters (who I say are beautiful in shape woman- ones a runner) have let them selves go and need to lose some weight.
I write down everything he says to me though and sometimes when I go through it I can see the meanness, control and manipulation of it.