Untrue assumptions
While caught up in the despair that is living with alcoholism, I really and truly thought that I didn't know who I was, and that I never had. That I was this meek, insecure follower. After some serious introspection I realized that isn't true. I don't do formal prayer or meditation. What I do is stream of consciousness writing every evening, and boy has God dropped some knowledge on me. This is easier to do for me than formal meditation or prayer because in high school/college I was an avid journaller. I think it saved my life, in all honesty through some of my depressive teen years when I really *didn't* know myself. So it was familiaar to slip back into.
What I realized is that I am NOT a meek follower. Before getting stuck the the vortex of the helpless/hopeless cloud of alcoholism, I forgot that. In high school, I worked as a teen staffer at Girl Scouts day camp. I did this for 4 years and in my last year was given the position of music director for the whole camp. I had a first year Program Assistant under me. When I was 13, I planned and executed a Service Unit encampment for the whole area of troops ranging from Brownies to Cadets. In high school I was proud to be in the drama geeks society and LARPed with pride.
In college I was part of a special public leadership program. When I finished that certificate, I went on to be a Teaching Assistant for freshmen in the program for 2 semesters. In my sorority, I was sorority sister extraordinaire. I loved rush. I was one of the best rushers in the house. They put me with the shy or difficult rushees because I could talk to a brick wall. I always had some position in the house. First Music Director, which I still did a lot for that position even when I got my Executive Committee position because each new music chair was kind of a dud nd we needed songs for serenades, Greek Week nd homecoming. I was on the Executive Committee for 2 years as Ritual Chair. I initiated half the chapter by the time I graduated. I even took a small position my last semester because I couldnt sit around doing nothing. My junior year I was a rush counselor for formal rush, which was a position in panhellenic as a whole (the governing body of all the sororities as a whole). I was on the judicial committee for both panhel and my house. People looked up to me.
Alcholism turned me into a meek, self conscious follower feeling I had no worth to anyone. So thanks God for reminding me of that. Now I just have to get back in touch with that self.