Timeiskey

It has been about ten days since I last posted my own thread. My ex, who as you know, lives ten paces from my front door had left for work in Finland and Denmark. I was completely despondent when he left, because our old patterns of close communication had ended and my only signal that he was gone was the constant of the porch light from his back door that shines down into our shared courtyard...and he had told me when we broke up that when he travels, he drinks even more heavily than usual (which I experienced in Switzerland). But after I posted about my sadness, I began to feel better. And in the almost two weeks he was gone, I began to recover in a deeper way.

There is so much to this no contact...and to space. Temporarily, all of my space- inside and out- was mine and mine only. Classes also started back at the university where I teach and I have been so busy, well rested and on top of my duties. I started to feel my compassion return, my sense of self...peace. Going out with friends, having them over, or being by myself started to feel more natural and enjoyable....

But last night, he finally returned. I only realized it, because as I walked past the side of his house and out my front walkway, I heard the low rumble of his air conditioner. "Well," I thought, "the inevitable has occurred." Still, I was fine last night. But this morning...I went for my early walk through the park with my dog. I noticed, for the first time, the bench where we sat and he explained that he is only 17 in his mind (at 44) and that all the plans we had made about the future...well, he wasn't sure he really wanted anything in his life to change. It isn't just the alcohol, he said, but his entire existence is just as he wants it and he doesn't want anything to change.

I am sitting now, on my upstairs balcony, looking down onto to the porch light that is off. This tells me that he is up, awake, starting his day. I wish I didn't know these things...it was simpler when the light was just constantly on. And already, I am backtracking. I find that my day has no momentum. I should be working, but once again, I find myself puttering around...waiting, I suppose, but I am not quite sure for what.

I have walked through every minute of the bad times- the times ruined by alcohol. The effort that I had put into making beautiful memories only to have him show up drunk as a skunk to ruin it all. Or the aloneness that comes from having your partner so engulfed in addiction that there is no space left for the support and solidarity that comes with a healthy relationship. I don't even want him back at this point, but still...here I am, suffocating once again in my own space that is so full of his presence- both real and imagined- that there is hardly room to breath...much less act with any enthusiasm through my day.

In the past two weeks, I have been able to go out and do things that I would never have been able to do with him, since being with him meant being totally involved in his world... or when I did things that I wanted that were outside of his interests (i.e., hanging out drinking at home or in a bar), I had to do them alone or with others, because he had no interest. I am so much better off without him. I am working on my own recovery and I know that I deserve to be with someone who wants the experiences that I want- the building of a future with someone to love- all of those things that we all deserve. Yet, I still sit here knowing he is home and that once it was "our" home- this courtyard between us and our own living spaces...

I am working on defining healthy boundaries. Of understanding what addiction really means in terms of daily interactions. Right now, I am facing a new kind of boundary- one with myself- where I stop this sick insanity of trading productive daily action for the obsessive heartbreak that comes with trying to rationalize the irrational. I wish I didn't live here, but we cannot always choose our circumstances...and I must remind myself that all I can really control right now is how I act and react. I dread our next run-in. I am certain he will be jolly and happy and show me that he is just fine- better than fine since he just returned from his latest adventure and has returned to the city and life of a musician where he is embraced for his talent and told almost daily how incredible he is...and he is incredible...incredibly talented with the guitar, incredibly talented in always projecting this professional and pleasant façade before/during/after his gigs, but he is also incredibly talented at hiding from the problems that will ultimately take it all away from him.

So, I will end by saying that writing here helps me put it back into perspective. I will go start my day, get on with my work, try to push him out of my mind through doing the things that will make my day go smoothly, so I can feel functional. It isn't an easy path of recovery, but I am thankful that I understand my own needs and his disease enough to know that unconditional love, in this situation, means continuing to learn to let go, avoiding giving him anymore of my power by allowing him to see that I still miss him, and praying for his own path to recovery. I am lucky in that he does not try to reach out that much...he doesn't act as if he misses me or wishes to reconcile. I am a lucky one...but it sure doesn't feel that way.

Have a great day- each of you. I wish you all peace and productivity.