Hi, exparatrooper, and welcome to SR. I'm glad you've been able to find some help here. Keep on reading and posting.
Trying to understand your A is a noble thing to do, but ultimately it's probably going to be useless. As long as she does not choose to seek help for herself, nothing will change. It doesn't matter if you understand or not. As I'm sure you've seen by now, an alcoholic
will not stop drinking until he/she is damn good and ready. There is truly nothing you can do to change that.
What you will mostly find on this section of the forum is ways for you to take care of yourself, to regain control of your
own life and not to make
your happiness dependent on what the A does or does not do. That doesn't mean ignoring her behavior, it means gradually working towards your own freedom and health. This thread might give you some ideas about how that might begin:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Alanon meetings can be a powerful resource for both education and face-to-face support, and I'd highly recommend adding them to your box of recovery tools. This article
But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon! helps to explain why we, the families and friends, need help every bit as much as the A does.
Please read as much as you can in this section, and absolutely make sure to read the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of wisdom there.
Again, welcome to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity.