I understand your feelings completely.
You are mourning a way of life that you romanticize. You are trying to break a habit. You are grieving the loss of a "friend" who turned on you. It's like a bad breakup - remembering the cuddles under the covers but forgetting the time you were pushed down the stairs. Same process in the brain.
Lots of people struggle with this - probably every one who posted in this thread struggled to quit. I know Carl recently had a relapse after years of sobriety - so we all get it.
Don't think for a moment that we didn't struggle too. Read Dee74's story and you will feel connection to him. All of us fought this. I tried every moderation trick in the book for a couple years before I ended up on my knees begging God to help me. It is a huge undertaking.
That said, you can do it. You are doing it. One day at a time. I think you are amazingly introspective and self-aware. You want this, and you're trying all kinds of ways to make it work. I believe you will succeed. I'm on your side, I'm really glad you're here and that you are posting your struggle. It will help someone. It helped me today.