Originally Posted by
soverylost 
You're right. It's not the choice i want to make. I'm not sure if I'm ready to make it. I get one shot at this, if i leave, that's it. That's all. There's no second chance. I'm the one who can't make a decision on what to buy at the Dollar Store, a big decision like this is very hard. The rest of my life,and my children's lives, depend on it cuz there are no do-overs.
What i mean by my family wouldn't accept it is just that. In my family, you don't leave. You don't divorce. To do so means I was weak, i didn't try hard enough. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone, but growing up like this, it's what I was raised to believe. While my thoughts on that may be changing, my family's thoughts aren't.
This is why alcoholism and codependency are multigenerational family diseases. These behaviors don't spring up fully formed from nowhere, they are passed like a baton at an endless marathon until one runner finally has enough and breaks the cycle.
I am not saying that you have to make some huge decision today, or that you have to leave your husband, but do start examining where some of these thoughts come from. Are they your own ideas? Are they things that have been handed to you by unhealthy family members like a bag of reeking garbage that you are now expected to carry but don't quite understand why?
You are here learning, growing, asking questions. That is a very positive step. You know this is not a good situation. That means you are intelligent and perceptive. You work full time and care for a home and small children by yourself, that means you are hard working, devoted and loving. These are not small attributes, these are tools for you to carve out the life you want, whatever the life is that YOU choose.
I can give advice all day, but this is your life. No pressure to leave or stay, that is your choice, but do make an effort to check out some Alanon meetings. I remember that feeling of being isolated with small children. It is very difficult. Take care of you. Big hugs and keep posting.