Prettyblond I understand what you mean. But I really think it would help you to talk to others face to face. Or maybe a private therapist? Maybe help you work thru your grief? Because the end of a relationship is very much like a death! It's the same type of grief. It takes time to come to a place of acceptance. You could even be suffering from some PTSD. Not that I'm diagnosing you or anything. But I've heard that what you have experienced can be such a huge shock that it can be considered a traumatic experience. You have probably lost trust with the world too. It's sort of similar to the effects of gas-lighting. Addicts are famous for gas-lighting their loved ones. It's like you knew something was up....but he refused to acknowledge what was going on. He pretended that everything was ok....but you knew in your gut it wasn't. So you start to doubt yourself....stop trusting yourself too. All of these things can take a huge toll on your emotional and mental health.
Just some ideas for you to think about. But I'm glad you are talking about it here....this is a safe place.