another good meeting tonight. some powerful sharing. i need to say something 'out loud' which really is hard for me to say but i realize complete honesty with myself is needed.
dealing with the impact of my son's addiction and the pain it has/is causing me and my granddaughter has very nearly drove me to picking up a drink.
i realized tonight that i really have come way too close. i wanted to numb the pain. i wanted liquid courage. i wanted out. by minimizing what i was going through i was giving power to my av. the pain would still be there, the distorted courage would wreck havoc and i would still be living the same life. i would not gain anything.
i did not know i was being dishonest with myself but i was. by 'voicing' this i am accepting. i guess it was a case of not accepting that his bs is as bad as it is. it's really bad. false hope? and not accepting that after all this time in recovery i could actually pick up a drink. but i could. i am not casting blame on him. this is my struggle. i feared facing this because a part of me believed it would be about blaming him. it's never someone else's fault if we use.
a heavy heart tonight. life on life's terms. the reality of parts of my life right now are extremely difficult. and they are damaging me physically, mentally and spiritually. the length of time and the duration of the pain is wearing me down. i am grateful for all that is right in my life and for all the steps i am taking, slow but sure, that are hopefully bringing me to a better place.
i surrender.