Butterfly

So today is my birthday and I honestly wish I could forget about it, crawl into bed until it was over! I woke up early and was determined that I would get through this day for the kids as they had been trying so hard for weeks to make it a lovely day, asking me what I wanted even though I said I didn't want anything, I say this every year, don't want them wasting their money on me!! Even my son was asking who never remembers anything lol.

Separated AH texted me last night saying he would like to call round as he had a birthday card for me. I told him no. I needed to get through this day on my own and him giving me a normal birthday card would have really upset me, I didn't tell him this. Cards have always been important to me and he always picked a lovely one and would write some love note, he was never very good at expressing his feelings so would have bought me cards which said how he felt.

Anyway he texted me early this morning saying happy birthday xx. As soon as I read it the tears came and they haven't stopped. I have always hated my birthday, i was told from a young age i should never have been born and it was rarely celebrated, ah always made a fuss as he would say "if you hadn't been born I would never have met you and I wouldn't be the happiest man alive". I guess not though!!

I honestly don't think I can handle this anymore and I want to run away and never come back, I even had thoughts of ending it all but I wouldn't do that to my kids, an alcoholic father and a mother who took her own life that would destroy them they are the only reason I wouldn't do anything and that's a very strong reason!!!!

I am struggling, i read all this stuff about co dependency, how to stop being addicted to someone, addiction etc but i don't know what to do with it all. I am stuck I can't let go of my hopes that he will seek recovery and come home. When do I realise and stop hoping for the best?

I feel guilty my son walked into my room to give me a present and I was crying my eyes out he shouldn't see me like that I'm supposed to be the strong one for my kids. I also feel guilty for not letting him come round to give me a birthday card. But I feel angry that I am always the strong one, not for my kids that's not the issue but for everyone else, my family, friends and AH just once I would like someone to be strong for me so I can lean on them. Alcohol has destroyed my life I've lost my husband and best friend and my kids have lost their father!!

Sorry just needed to rant I sound selfish thinking of myself I just need to get on with it and stop feeling sorry for myself.