prettyblond

Hi everyone. I really don't know where to talk about this so I kind of thought here was appropriate.

A few months ago I began dating a man I met online. We don't live very far apart really.

When I met this man, let's call him A just for continuity... He was great. Very attentive. Very interested in me. Very forthcoming and giving and kind. He was the kind of guy that would call me up just to "check in".

I was very impressed with this man for a number of reasons. He is very intelligent. Ambitious. A deep thinker. Kind. Funny. Fun. Generous. Sweet. Sexy. Adorable. Etc you get the point.

I had just come out of a two and a half year abusive relationship with a narcissistic sociopath and so I was hesitant to get in deep at first with this man A.

But, he got to me.

So, for the past few months A and I have been seeing each other on a fairly normal basis. Usually I stay at his place. He has been to mine but it's usually me going to his.

During the course of our relationship, A revealed to me that he did not partake in any substance use that could change his thinking. When he first said this I kind of got the drift that he was in recovery. I didn't remark because I thought he would tell me in his own time. Eventually he did. I was glad he felt he could tell me. I felt it was important to know because I know from experience with others it is a big part of one's life.

So... eventually he shared more of his past with me. His past alcohol problem, past coke dealing, past drug use, past ex's drug use. Violent things in the past due to living in that world. Criminal charges. And the list goes on.

As someone as far removed from any of that as possible, I was a little shocked. I mean, here is this extremely intelligent man. No, he's brilliant. And with this history.

To be honest it freaked me out a little.

But I truly felt a connection with A. I very much enjoyed being with him. And I respected him for many reasons but certainly especially the difficult struggle to be in recovery.

So I didn't expect to be wondering if he's back on something. But here we are.

About a month ago A stopped calling like he had been. He kind of disappeared for a week. Naturally I thought maybe he had lost interest. I asked and he said of course not. He said he was just feeling ill. I felt silly for worrying. Eventually he invited me over again. When I went, he seemed to have head congestion. Sniffling and runny nose symptoms. There was also a pack of sudafed on the table which later seems odd to me that someone with that history would be using sudafed for a head cold but I digress...

That night our relations fizzled out for the first and only time and he was upset about it but I played it off. Can happen to anyone. I chalked it up to him being sick and stressed and we moved on.

From that point on, things got murkier. When I first went to A's place it was typical bachelor pad messy. I thought it was cute after being with a crazy nut who literally shined the faucets. But over the past month A's place has become a total mess. I mean just water bottles and dirty laundry and things everywhere even if the trash can is a foot away. I know people get busy but this was beginning to take me aback. It was obvious to me that the bathroom hadn't been cleaned for some time. I mean... it was weirdly getting worse.

A does work a couple jobs so I cut him some slack. But I also found out (from him)he had been not going into work so often for the month. Yet he was adamantly busy. And the place remained a mess.

For about a month, A's behavior towards me was erratic. One day he'd be wonderful. The next he would ignore me. He started going far away on weekends for one job. It made me uncomfortable because it meant he would not be around all weekend. But I trusted him not to fool around so I do believe it was just work.

One night he contacted me very late to comment on how people were crazy. I figured maybe the people he was working with were out partying. I tried to lighten the mood in text. I figured he was uncomfortable and was flattered he got ahold of me when he was thinking of being home. We didn't discuss details but I did try to make him feel better. And so the next time I went to A's place, I asked him about it while we laid in bed to go to sleep. He proceeded to tell me how his coworkers are all addicts of one kind or another and basically that he wished he didn't need to spend all his time with them while working in that area.

Weirdly over the next few eeeks I noticed a NEW box of sudafed show up. No head cold though. And a pair of leather gloves beside them. In the summer. I really didn't think anything of it. Just wondered why there were gloves out in summer.

So... Our relationship was progressing well enough. A had said I could bring a coffee pot for my overnights since I need my coffee in the morning. I was excited...

Suddenly though he started getting quiet again. Then one night I had to hound him to see if I could come up. In between our communications that night were long stretches of silence, garbled messages, and it took him fifteen to twenty minutes to "just call me".

Normally I would suspect another woman but I just dont. A isn't that guy.

Apparently that night his ex had called him about a legal issue and he was supposedly on the phone with her. His ex was an addict remember. He hadn't had much to do with her for like two years to my understanding.

So eventually I did get there and A was really weird. I walked into a dark apartment. He was already in bed. After our lovemaking he got extremely quiet and seemed totally exhausted. I pulled him down to me and he just collapsed on me for a bit. Totally unlike him. He eventually rolled over and literally passed right out. Like immediately. Now... I know this can happen but never this quick. It was WEIRD.

I laid there pissed off. So pissed off I started texting my mother to get myself to calm down. Eventually I mellowed out. I got comfortable and laid my arm over his. He was completely soaked in cold freezing sweat. And so still I thought he wasn't breathing. I shook him awake to ask if he was ok and he said he was. He seemed ok so I let it go. He had been working out and "taking supplements" and he seemed fine in the morning.

That's another thing. He suddenly completely stopped eating actual food and began this.. shake thing. I swear he's dropped 35 lbs in a month.

So... I was leaving for a vacation without A. And there were things i wanted to do for him before i left. He knew i would be gone for at least two weeks (he had expressed annoyance I hadn't invited him). So I thought I would hear from him. Well the days wore on. No A.

Finally I was actually worried and said if I didn't hear from him I was coming up.

He responded soon and said he was sorry just really busy.

I was a little put off that he got back to me when I "threatened" to visit. I told him that. No response. Then I asked if he was upset with me. His response was that he didn't have time to talk "to [me]" right now. So, my response was snippy.

That is the last I heard from him despite attempting to reach out.

I tried knocking on his door tonight. I've been worried. No answer even though the light was on and car was home. Not a peep inside.

I trust A as a man not to be a player. I just don't think he is.

So I thought.. did he relapse?

I was very hurt that he ignored me at the door. So I called and left a message saying I was done and that he would have to call me when he figures out what happened to make things change.

I just can't believe this and as someone with literally no experience with drugs... I don't know what to think.

Is this usual behavior? Am I way off base?

And edited to add: I meant to post this in friends and family but by the time I typed it out was logged out and must've pulled up the wrong forum. My apologies for that.