Originally Posted by
vicNeedsHelp 
Thanks for asking that question! Only recently I realized that I want to quit. For a long time I tried to make my life better through other ways. For example, I began exercising to get to a healthier weight and I lost 25 lbs. Those things only helped with certain narrow aspects of my life. I have now understood that the bigger issue is my drinking. Starting today I will be trying to quit.
However, I am afraid of what the evening will bring. I almost wish there weren't so many hours in the day. The hours I spend at work are not a problem because my mind is occupied by other things and besides I cannot drink in the office. After I come home, I will go cycling for two hours. But then after 8 or 9 pm come, I am afraid that I will again decide to have "just one drink". That's when it all starts. Ugh.
Interesting you accept being an alcoholic, a term from AA yet you rationalize your alcoholism by self identifying as high functioning, even though this is an oxymoron. By doing so you allow yourself to dig deeper in your own addiction.
You write above about how you are powerless over alcohol - I am taking the liberty and connecting your inability to quit at 8 or 9PM because you are not preoccupied at work. To me this suggests a powerlessness or unwillingness, so you are either powerless at the moment or you are lying to yourself about your desire to quit. Perhaps you could help us with which one you see?
I relate to much of what you write so I am guessing I will offend a little by nit picking. But I see so much of my old self in you - sorry. I too used my vanity to rationalize my addictions. I also used my money, career, marriage, ability to provide. I rationalized how together I was if my closet was organized and my shirt hangers were one inch apart with the blue oxfords in the same section and the whites separate. However, we rationalize, if you are like me and an addict or alcoholic whatever the term you feel suits - high functioning alcoholic if you like, you are rationalizing your decision to stay on your own elevator.