Originally Posted by SlightlyOff

Hey everyone,'

I've been here sporadically since last summer when I started slipping after 3.5 years of continuous sobriety. My slips were 95% wine. My 14 year old daughter's disapproval and devastation was what made me quit each time, go back on the straight and narrow for weeks or months, then slip again. I was sober from January 1 to the end of May. Then around the end of June, when my daughter was so mad at me she would not speak to me, because I was drinking a few days on, a few days off, I somehow discovered that I could drink vodka *instead* of wine, mix it with lots of club soda, and not only hide it better (because I have always drank club soda) but no one smelled it on me. But even wierder was that I found my drunkenesss on vodka was somehow different. It was mellower. It was slower (probably because diluted.) On wine I was always erratic and very emotional. My daughter could tell from one look at me if I'd even had one glass of wine. Well, the last two weeks I've basically drank vodka/club soda every day, a few sips at a time, and neither my husband or daughter knew. In fact, my daughter even told me one day how nice it was to have me sober (major guilt pangs.)

The other thing is virtually no hangovers. Probably because of all the soda and the advil at night. I've also still been running/working out every day. Well, there is still a big catch: drinking 10 to 16 ounces of vodka a day is still a ton of calories, and even though I eat less food, my belly won't go down in size and I'm already 7 pounds heavier than I was in May.

I really wish I could say I was wanting to quit for myself but it is only for my weight. I find myself actually feeling kind of smart for lack of a better word that I found a drink with no smell and that no one can tell.

But I know this is no way to live. When I do stop for a few days I go through withdrawal from vodka and I need klonapin. But how do I get the will now when my primary motivation (my daughter) doesn't know I'm drinking again?

I just want to *want it* again if that makes sense. I didn't mean to hijack with a thread about motivation but that's where I'm at right now.''

I should also add that I am able to get my house clean, laundry done, organizational stuff done for daughter starting school, etc. despite drinking. So that gives me no motivation to quit. However I know I am destroying my insides and when I end up in the hospital, finally everyone will know.

Add to this the fact that I actively hate meetings now, because I don't want to admit my relapse, and there seems to be no cure for this.

Where/how do you get the "want-to"? I had it for years and then it slipped away.