Few people walk through the doors of AA without some kind of fear in their hearts. I think it's a good thing. It's fine to be afraid. Part of that fear is that AA will actually work and you'll never drink again. This is an utterly terrifying prospect to most alcoholics. We've been drinking to such a degree thatt never drinking again seems like an impossible task. Admitting to another person that you're an alcoholic seems like such a difficult thing. I mean, that means that someone else knows that you cannot drink like a normie and you may now feel accountable to them. I know that when I was only accountable for myself in the beginning, I failed. I was okay with letting myself down but letting down someone else? Oh noooo! I worked so hard for so long to make people like me and not let them know how messed up I was inside. Now, someone else will now how terribly screwed up I am. I am showing my ugly side to someone and I was afraid that they'd hate me. Turns out, most alcoholics have been there, done that. I've held my horror stories so close to my heart that they poisoned me. When I went to AA, I heard people disclosing terrible things that they'd done and instead of judgment, there was often laughter. At the very least, there were sympathetic nods and murmurs. I was amazed. I now know to trust in the program, the fellowship, my Higher Power and my sponsor. It took some time to allow that trust to develop but I've seen it work in the lives of other hopeless alcoholics so why not me?
AA is scary but many of us found that our fears dissolved after a while. It's hard to be afraid in the presence of so much hope, encouragement and support. If I can give any advice, it's to jump in with both feet. Read the Big Book, show up early for meetings and leave late, get a schedule of meetings and a lot of phone numbers, call those numbers, get a sponsor who will guide you through the steps and do as you're told. Say yes when asked to do something. Make your life work around your sobriety, not your sobriety around your life. Be of service and sacrifice some of your time to go to meetings when you would normally find yourself with unscheduled down time. Make sobriety an effort! I used to try to only go to meetings that were convenient. I found that when I went to an inconvenient meeting, I made sure that I made that meeting worth that time. It helps to keep my head focused on life in sobriety, not sobriety in life. Hope this helps.
