Just need to have my say.
Hi.
I am new to the forum..and I am unsure of what it is that I want from it tbh. Maybe to just be heard (or read), my heart is feeling heavy and having the conversations with myself just is not doing it for me any more.
About myself, I am 25 and a student - going into my second year of psychology and counselling soon. Not much else to say really. My partner of seven years has just recently began getting help for his alcohol issues.
And I am really struggling to keep a level head about it all. I have been through a lot with him, he has been through a lot with himself. Previous mental health issues which came to the forefront when we first got together have engulfed our relationship, we have not really moved anywhere as a couple as all focus has been on his mental health. I have tried to keep things for myself such as university, or work, or college. But that has still been affected by the things which he has been going through. Now please do not think that I begrudge any of this. I dont, I made clear decisions to stick by him through all of this.
But alcohol has by far been my biggest issue with him..him on a personal level, from the time which we got together. I have spent a lot of time trying to explain to him how his drinking is affecting us, and him, what a strain it puts on me...seven years down the line and he has looked for help. He is currently on medication for cravings, and attending a recovery program etc etc.
...I just cant let any of the past go..and the stubborn-ness inside of me says "why should I?". He has done things which I cannot forgive him for, and has said things which have really hurt. But that is what he does when he drinks, he says things which he knows will break me. He ALWAYS apologises when he sobers up, but this does not give me any comfort. When we are arguing about his drinking he does the usual "its your fault, no wonder I drink" and I KNOW that this is all words. Or the emotional blackmail "well I just go back to drinking like I was"...This winds me up the most.
We argued the day before yesterday because I KNOW that he has had a drink (he seems to forget that I dont need him to say "yes I have", I know the moment that he walks through the door). This blew up into a huge argument which got changed around on me and why I am a bad person. I never get my say, because he shouts harder. louder and meaner than I do. So, it ended with us "breaking up" and he "will be leaving the house on monday" we havent spoken since. Part of me hates myself for not saying what I know he needs to hear, and putting down his cr***y excuses for why he has had a drink AGAIN and tried to hide it from me, or has taken money out of my account AGAIN because he wanted a drink. But I dont want to make him feel the way that he makes me feel when he does it to me.
He says to me that I dont understand what it is like (I will admit I am pretty pig headed about it "just stop drinking".....but trust me I know the science behind it and I have read countless studies and explanations about the disease. Can guarantee he has not done the same about the effects it has on those around him though). He is trying hard to stop but sometimes I cant help think that it is just to shut me up, or give him a cover story. He tries to find excuses before he has even messed up. I am at the point where I dont know what he wants from me and I dont know if I have the energy to put up with constant barrage of drama. I love him with all of my heart and soul but the anger that I have for him sometimes makes me think that I am making it worse for him. I am not looking for sympathy, pats on the head and "it will be okays" just dont do anything for me any more. Im just venting I suppose.
Thank You for reading.