My self-esteem diminished because the slightest error felt huge and I couldn’t let it go.
Today's reading really spoke to me. I also have had to work hard on perfectionism and to this day, I tend to beat myself pretty bad when I make a mistake.
Working the steps has really helped me stop rationalizing and covering up (I used to be very bad at that).
For me it did not come from living with an alcoholic partner but it stems from my childhood as an ACOA where making mistakes or getting a less than perfect grade would open the doors to a torrent of verbal and sometimes physical abuse.
I really had to work hard on it. My AA sponsor who passed away was the person who helped me most.
She used to tell me that I was human and it was ok not to be perfect and to give myself a break. She would also tell me that it was far less stressful to "womanitup" and admit to a mistake and rectify it comely rather than spend tremendous energies covering it up and losing sleep over fear of being discovered.
She also had a goofy way of calling me out, never mean but funny: once I starts seeing myself through the eyes of people who love me my own sense of humor kicks in and I can laugh at myself, relax and move on with my day.
I was truly neurotic prior to recovery, I would literally make myself sick over small things. Today, I can accept that as long as I do my best there will be times when I mess up and it is ok. No need to go crazy over it.