Step 5 Update: Still here. I have had a lot of long talks with my sponsor about current situations and what I think about them in light of my calmer approach. I continue to struggle with intimacy and loneliness in my marriage. I think a lot of my frustration with this is it was a struggle much of the marriage as alcohol was always there.
What I want may very well not be something that my RAH can give or grow to be capable of. I see that I pushed him and molded him and just assumed that he would want to accept change, grow and become amazing just as I envisioned. Oops. That was way beyond my marriage vows. Backing off is painful and at times when he asks me to commiserate, I have to be very short because it is too tempting to launch into fixing and telling.
Surprisingly my RAH came with me to my Mr. T session after Mr. T asked him. I am trying to be open to letting this process flow as it will, but it was a painful 50 minutes for me as my expectations, distorted thinking and depressive nature all were dragged out as if they are all not things I have addressed in the last 8 months. It seriously ticked me off, but I talked to my sponsor and emailed a brief exchange with Mr. T and now I am just letting it go. No appt now until 9/10. My prayer is that RAH will continue to come for work on our marriage and perhaps determine for himself to work on him.
I am departing for 6 days away with my running buddy in a week. Very excited to accomplish this endeavor that was on my bucket list. We have another half scheduled in October locally. I am also taking a night class for fun for fall semester. That starts next week. It is clear that although my RAH says he supports me, he does not like me being gone and being busy. I do not really rise to the bait he sets for that old argument. I do tend to overdo things, so I watch my pace and never take classes back to back.
I did stop my antidepressants and I am feeling pretty clearheaded and no ill effects. It has been a week. I am also meditating two-three times a day. I have noticed I am improving. I am not always falling asleep now and at times I actually keep the mantra going!!