Thanks for the welcomes and feedback. I want to clarify what I meant by 'wish it was worse'. I'm at a point where I drink a few days a week and don't a few days a week. What I KNOW is that the way I drink is the big indicator that nothing good will come of this... I don't drink a beer or two, I drink until I fall asleep on the couch or crawl off to bed. Im fooling myself that I'm somehow maintaining. I like when I don't drink. I sleep good, feel better at work, take better care of my family. Ugh!!! I don't know what I need right now but I'm glad I posted and am starting this conversation. Maybe it will help me talk myself through this.
I've spent a week in detox, went through 4 paracentesis procedures, wrecked the car, ignored my family.... Back to my title I guess... What am I doing thinking I can drink again???