Hi ladies,
21Reeves congratulations on 63 days! Isn't it awesome when you start to see big numbers like that? "I read about people who are sober a long while and they get true enjoyment from life...I hope that is true.". I don't know if I qualify as being sober for a long while, but I can say that I really feel like I get true enjoyment out of life now. When it comes to recreational things like camping or going to the beach I do still get some cravings but then I realize that I can just ENJOY myself and not have to worry about drinking too much or not getting enough to drink. I used to get so frustrated because unless everyone around me was getting absolutely blitzed, I had a very hard time getting a good buzz or maintaining a buzz. I felt like I was in chains with alcohol. My fun depended on whether or not there was alcohol there. Now I TRULY get excited for things. I look forward to hearing the waves crash on the beach or smelling the trees while camping. I'm actually present for things now. I remember one thing that used to make me feel bad during my alcoholism was that I didn't get excited for things anymore. While I was busy numbing myself to other emotions I numbed my ability to experience joy as well.
Speaking of joy. I had a really great day yesterday. Nothing extraordinary happened, but it was good. I took my baby to the babysitter and I cleaned the house. I was able to relax for a little while. I took some time to put on my make up (yes I'm wearing make up again) and pick out a cute new outfit I bought for myself. Then me and baby went to the grocery store, came home and played for a while. I just felt good all day. I felt happy. When my husband got home he said "Wow honey! You look really pretty! What did you do?". I didn't think I had done much different other than I just dressed myself up the way I thought I looked pretty. In other words, I did it for ME. Later he mentioned something about how I got dressed up for him and I had to tell him that I got dressed up for me, not him lol.
Then today I continued to feel good and I started thinking about how far I've come since I quit drinking, and how I felt back to "myself" again. The way I felt BEFORE I started drinking heavily. (See, I was pretty happy before my alcoholism and during my alcoholism I missed that a lot). Then I thought "No, you were still you during your alcoholism. That was YOU". I realized that it's not like I'm 2 different people. It's not like there's the alcoholic Lulu and the sober Lulu. We're one in the same. Deep seated parts of me and my beliefs lead me to drink alcoholicly. The "old" Lulu, in all her happiness, picked up the bottles of alcohol and decided to drink them. I have the capability of going back into alcoholism. I have the capability of wallowing in myself and my grief. I have the capability of victimizing myself, blaming others, and judging myself. I have the capability to let go of myself and abuse myself. And for once in a very very very long time I can accept that because I have also shown that I have the capability to love, to respect others, to respect myself, to FORGIVE, to listen, to empathize, and to experience joy. And it's all MY choice. Hardly anything changed externally for me before, during, and after my alcoholism. Good things happened and bad things happened throughout the whole experience. Today I'm choosing to experience life with tolerance, patience, forgiveness, confidence, love, and joy instead of with alcohol.
So, I feel pretty good today. I realize that I'm not going to feel fabulous every day, which is fine, but I still have a choice in how I'll deal with those days. Just because I feel crappy on the inside doesn't mean I have to put a bottle of wine to my lips or to wallow in it either.