Hi tansy, I understand how difficult it is being on your own after all the drama and also having someone about that are not your kids even if that person is an A, I didn't feel alone. My kids are 16 & 20 and do there own thing are rarely in and if they are they are in there bedroom watching their TV programmes or playing x box lol. I find it strange and hard to get use to being on my own so much. I find myself staying busy from when I come home from work until I go to bed just so I don't have to sit down on my own. I also wan to avoid watching TV and programmes we watched together. Slowly I am starting to enjoy the no drama in my life, it's busy but relaxed.
I read how to stop being addicted to a person which helped me look at all previous relationships before my H and everyone had their own issues, alcohol, drugs, married, controlling etc and in my view needed rescuing. The book helped me to realise that my type wasn't tall dark and handsome, but tall, short, blonde, dark but with issues. I'm a rescuer, my job is rescuing and supporting those in crisis and my personal life was the same.
It's almost as though I need drama to feel alive. In work I love the adrenaline that comes from a crisis, but I have to admit in my personal life a crisis brings anxiety and fear.
Anyway I go for blokes that need rescuing because if I can fix them then I can fix what is wrong with me and prove that my mother was wrong I am good enough, wanted, loved etc. I'm searching to fix someone to fix what is broken inside, crazy right, only I can fix what's wrong inside me, all my negative feelings I have about myself, my issues of rejection, abandonment and an insecure attachment. I also realised that any nice blokes I met who genuinely wanted to be with me and cared about me I pushed away, maybe because if they got to close they would realise I was broken and reject me, still working on this part.
The book was useful in helping me to realise the type of relationships I went for and why. Now I just have to learn how to avoid them like the plague in the future. Like you I am not ready for another relationship and can honestly say I never want to feel close to another man again!!!!