I have no direct words that can possibly get around the whole depth of what you must be feeling.... but I feel for you.
What I can offer is this; when I have been most afraid of the 'what if's' in life.... time and again, the what-if's wound up worse than the 'what really happened's'.
As best you can, try to place your faith in things working out. Get yourself help. You're not 'crazy' if you have a condition.... you simply have a condition.
Do what you need to get yourself taken care of, treated, supported... and go from there. Live it the next step at a time for now.