The Little Lies We Like to Tell Ourselves
Day 2 of Sobriety.
Yesterday, after I decided to fully commit myself to sobriety I began wondering about my future friendships, relationships and connections with others. The following themes were what bothered me the most:
*How my non drinker status would make it difficult for me to socialise with others- boozing is a really big part of my culture. It's what everyone seems to do during their spare time.
*How me being 'totes sober' would put off potential future boyfriend(s?)- people equate sobriety with people who struggle with addiction and have problems, right? The guys that I've known in the past also wouldn't want to be with a 'down the straight and narrow' type girlfriend.
*How me not drinking could potentially alienate me from groups that I go out with in the future- here I was thinking about how groups of friends 'let their hair down' and bond over glasses of wine, during pub crawls, at festivals, gigs etc etc
In all honesty I'm not even fussed about having a BF right now. I'm not in the position to go out and make new friends or do any of the above as I live at work and am saving right now and will be doing this for at least a little while. This is all just future talk. It doesn't even exist or matter!
Even though I felt strong (and distracted) enough to not drink anything last night, I felt desperate to shake off my commitment to being sober. It just felt wrong. Like too big of a commitment. How do people deal with this kind of burden? How can I know that I definitely won't be drinking next month? NEXT YEAR? And and and....
Up to now I've managed to get myself to the stage where I'm okay saying that I'll not drink... for now. But I always reserve the option to 'maybe' drink at a later date. By maybe, as we all know, I mean definitely. It's taken me a good 10 years or so to even get here. I'm hoping that now I have support things will move along a bit quicker.
I discussed these thoughts (and fears) on the chat rooms yesterday and this morning and slowly (waaaay to slowly) realised that I was deluding myself as to how bad my issues with drinking actually are. I was trying to rationalise my way out of committing to a life of no drinking. I was trying to rationalise how a future that involved total abstinence would not work for the likes of me.
I'm so fed up and angry with myself right now. I feel powerless and manipulative and like a bloody idiot. This had better be part of the process of getting better. Yikes! I don't like feeling this way about myself, it takes me back to how I used to feel when I had issues with depression and I like to think I'm past things like that now.
Enough whining...
So as I was discussing my delusions and rationalisations this morning a very kind person in the chat room sent me a link explaining the meaning of AVRT. It made a heap of sense and also left me feeling marginally better about myself.
If anyone else is struggling with ideas of committing to a life of sobriety maybe have a read of the Rational Recovery website. It made a whole lot of sense to me (sorry, I'm not allowed to attach links yet).
If anyone has any guidance/ accounts/ pointers I'll be happy to hear from you.
Peace x