Thatdeliveryguy

Sadly, and with a much hardened heart, tomorrow morning not sure I can go to work. I did everything in my power to sustain this week, but felt trapped, other worldly, like I was going to die, end to end this week. Its something, as being me, that is truly hard to admit. I have severe mental issues, and after today, yesterday almost now, I was scared out of my mind. I could hardly control me and the day felt like 10 years.

Panic attacks, and heavy anxiety, I locked myself in my house for 2 years, paranoid, partly delusional, and scared to go out. I got on medication, got a job, and worked my way to a full-time job. I was so proud of myself escaping my house and rejoining society. Now, on this sad evening, I must admit I am going to have to fly my white flag and retreat.

Something, I don't talk about much, I have disabled daughter. After I left the house I poured my heart and soul into the disability community, and did everything I could to help people and stand for their rights as humans. Now I feel like I am going to disappoint my daughter, and let her down. So sad and depressed, but anxiety has taken a hold and don't know what to do.

A moment of pure, unadulterated truth, I've always lied to physicians about, myself, and even my wife. I hear things that don't exist, have for a sometime (3 years) have a biological mother that is schizophrenic ( my real adopted mom raised me and she will always be mom), but now I am thinking and hearing things that truly don't exist. This scares me, this scares the hell out of me, I treated it with alcohol, but now the alcohol is gone and all I got is a ton of anxiety and voices.

I don't want to be branded crazy, but I don't want to live crazy either. I guess the real mea culpa here is for the first time in my life I am actually admitting it, I am worn out, weathered, scared, anxious, and quite somber at this hour. I know I am serial posting today, but this post is the post most dear to my heart.

Tomorrow the sun is going to rise, and the fear of having fear is quite possibly going to end TDG career, something he has loved, and something he is never quite sure he can regain.

I am not drinking, I wish I could at this moment, I know that tonight I will not sleep. I fear going to work tomorrow, not going to work tomorrow, having meds not having meds, being crazy, not being crazy. sobriety and no sobriety.

So for now, I sit here at midnight contemplating what to do, meds mean I can't drive a truck anymore, SSRI, SNRI, Trycyclics, Maoi's tried all the non narcotic meds, with limited success, and even if they worked it takes some time for them to kick in..... Ultmately, Benzo's did work, but you can't drive and take benzo's and if I am honest with a doctor for once in my life anti psychotics, oh that class scares me. I know this is a huge community, and please someone out there, if you take those type of meds tell me its not the end... So scared at this hour, but I know I can't keep living like this, my decision tonight, tomorrow and going forward are for the best I hope.

The most real I've ever been in a post, I hope others will read it and know you're not alone, and seek the advice of the more experienced in sobriety. Thanks for reading TDG, stay safe and sober, on this humbling somberring night. HOLY whatever, can't sleep and dying at this hour.