EJM-- please keep trying to stay sober! I go to AA meetings, and while I know they aren't for everyone, they have helped me in some ways. A topic this week was on self-forgiveness. It is so very important that we learn how to forgive ourselves so we can move forward in a healthy life of sobriety. I'm not mentioning these meetings to tell you to go, only you can decide that for yourself; rather, I just wanted to share some of what I've heard/learned in meetings. I've also read plenty of great things here on SR! When people relapse, I've read plenty of suggestions about adding something new to your recovery toolbox. Maybe easing up on yourself and the guilt feelings would be helpful. Maybe trying out something new would be helpful. One thing I do know is that feeling guilty is not a helpful emotion, so I hope you can learn to forgive yourself. You are totally worth it and can reach the sobriety you so desire. Keep posting, it helps!