Thanks everyone for all your kind thoughts.
AH was given some sort of counteracting drug and is 'fine'. They actually said they were surprised how coherent he was given how many talents he'd taken and what his blood alcohol was. He was ringing me by 3am being crazy and abusive and for the first time in my life (after telling in he was not to speak to me like that) I hung up on him and tunred off my phone. I didn't sleep well...I'm tired.
Once again he's been assessed as not a suicide risk....it's all about sending a message + impulsivity. I actually got a bit upset on the phone and asked how far soemone has to go before help is offered and the MH worker was so great...he basically got it through to me that the help is there....but the person isn't remotely interested in accessing it. I know this, but now I feel it too.
He did say there is likely to be some sort of personality disorder present and probably brain injury...these combinations don't bode we'll for any sort of sobriety or recovery.
I think it's finally sunk in. This isn't a bad patch, this isn't a dip in the roller coaster. This is it. My lovely man has gone, and only an ugly shell remains, a shell filled with anger, bitterness, confusion and a made up world of lies and pain. And in reality that good man has been slowly fading away for a long time.
I just feel so sad. I'm grieving. We had a lot of wonderful times, with him I've shared my highest highs, and my lowest lows. But that person really has gone, and he's not coming back. I'm so so sad I don't know what to do with this sadness. I've finally given in, I'm not fighting it anymore, I'm done.
I've been in 'flight or fight' and it's kept me going. Now ive bottomed out. I'm not sure that 'smile and cope, cope and smile person' can keep it all together right now. But I have to, I have no choice.
I hate this disease. It's taken a man who once had so much to give this world. I know this was one true....he has a lot of people who even now love him.
I feel so sad for our child....I hope I can preserve his memory of the good things whilst supporting him through the reality of what is.
Thanks all for your kind words and thoughts. I appreciate every single one of you.