Today would have been day 4 of no contact but he texted me, telling me he was taking dd out for dinner and some other stuff about cigarettes as dd is going on holidays. Anyway he has never let me know before when he has made arrangements with the kids I usually find out on the day when the kids tell me so don't know why he was telling me today. I replied to his text and a few more were exchanged but nothing about us. The thing is when the text came through and I saw it was him I burst into tears and I haven't been able to stop since. I told him that I can't have contact unless it's about the kids as I end up asking questions that he can't answer so when you want to talk we can arrange to meet up! But I couldn't leave it there so I texted again and have asked 3 questions one of which was whether he wanted to meet up but of course he didn't. So I launch into how it's not that I don't want to see him as I do but he needs time to figure this out as do I and I need to accept out marriage is over but at the end I said you know where I am, clearly giving him the message that I'm here when ever he decides. I don't know is this codie behaviour??
I know I shouldn't have replied but I find it really difficult to not and when I do to keep it about the original text. I seem to be ok about not making first contact as I have wanted to the last few days but haven't.
I had my 2nd counselling session last night and she was asking me about what love meant to me and I honestly couldn't answer, I don't know what love is I would have said to myself that my H made me feel safe, secure, loved, happy, that I can be myself around him, that I would have felt this intense feeling of happiness or feelings of love when with him at times and he accepts me for who I am faults and all, which I have many. but with recent events I have questioned all of this. How could I have felt safe and secure when he left on previous occasions to drink, when he rarely considered my thoughts and feelings about his drinking, how my anxiety about things and wanting him to stop drinking, associating with horrible people was unfair and if he did what I asked him I would think he only did it because I asked him to and not because he wanted to!!
I did/do need help with my anxiety and depression and I sought help but in the end things only changed when he was ready for them to change not because he was doing it for me!!!! Was I telling myself I felt safe & secure with him to fool myself to convince myself that I was happy? Was my depression so bad at times because of everything going on in the home and because I was ignoring my feelings and pushing on. I know that my depression and anxiety were difficult for him to cope with as he said he always felt it was his fault and there were times I couldn't bear to be around him and due to my anxiety about him leaving I constantly sought reassurance and became extremely paranoid at times, so I know it was hard for him. Did I push him away, drive him to drink? No his addiction was well established before he met me!!
I acknowledged last night that many of the things I did for him was to the detriment of my own health as I wanted him to be happy to relieve his stress and so on! I put his needs before mine many times.
Did I think deep down in myself that he loved me so much that if he did leave he would always come back? I think at times I did think that. He would tells me he loves me more than anything and couldn't live without me so it must be true and I was the type of person where I needed to hear how he felt, now I know that actions speak louder than words!
How could I be myself around him when I no longer knew who I was and felt that opinions didn't matter because if he didn't agree or want to do what I suggested it didn't happen?
I feel lost and I'm fed up with putting on a front in front of everyone so they think I'm ok, I'm honest with friends but in work or with the kids I feel that I wear a mask!! I'm also fed up with feeling lost and empty I don't know which direction I'm going in
Sorry for the long post and thank you for letting me get everything out of my head and written down.