KI- What you are going through is the effects of being with an addict. The first thing that popped in my head was the "What Addicts Do" that is on forum.
Are you reading Codependent no more? What you have been through is something that is horrible and will take time to heal if you work on you. But you can do this and will feel better once you apply what you learn. I truly hurt for you and hope you get some relief from your situation.