Hello,
I am not writing this for sympathy at all - I just want to make that clear. I need to vent so badly.
I am struggling with condemnation - to the point where its eating away at my flesh and I can feel I am manifesting sickness everywhere and am angry and bitter. After everything I have been through, after the hard time my ex gave me, looking after my son on my own, being lied to time and time again, cheated on, stolen from, deceived, abused, put down, gas lighted over and over and over and over again, time and time again I have been disrespected. I have reached a place in my mind where I am about to crack so I have put some serious boundaries in place because to be quite frank I am not strong enough to deal with this stuff anymore, I thought it would get easier in time but it hasn't, seeing the reality of what has happened to me has made me more depressed and angrier than ever. I want out for good, he broke my heart, lead me on, used me, was incredibly narcissistic to me, says I was a bad wife, calls me a bad mother, says I am a black hole insecurity, says I am unattractive, says I never dolled up for him, says I wasn't smart enough for him, says I had nothing in common with him, says I am dumb and he cant connect with me, is racist towards me and my family, says he is looking forward to my family members dying so he can dance on their graves... I am exhausted and so hurt for being exposed to such brutality and self righteous and sinful behavior for sooo ******* long and for what, why is he still so abusive to me but so nice to those providing him with narcissistic supply!!!!!! He left me, he got the other woman and the fast car, he divorced me, he got to hide his income, he got to get the awesome industry connections through his new girlfriend (who I am sure he loves but I know he is using to a degree). I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who is this man! Who does he think he is, expecting everything on a silver platter and making me his dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I need to continue to give to him, why do I need to continue to make him happy!!!!!!!!!! What about me, when will I matter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant deny myself anymore I just cant do it, I have to deny him so I can be sane again. I think he is still the same man that I fell in love with, I have just got clarity and can see him for who he is, because I have healed and worked so hard on myself. I got a lawyer and gave my statement to the police - both agreeing he is incredibly abusive...sure I am not perfect but I have never gone out of my way to hurt him the way he has with me. I told them that I just cant keep myself in the firing line of abuse anymore... I don't care if he is the father of my child, he is killing me and he has done nothing but cause us problems.. I know that putting these boundaries in place is the right thing to do, now I can reflect on how crazy I have become.. (he and his girlfriend tell everyone I am crazy and she has called me a psycho in a message to me - so hurtful ) however by doing this I feel so condemned.. I feel condemned because I am for once protecting myself, I feel condemned because for the first time ever I am standing up to the abuse even though we are no longer married - why did it take me so long to do this! I feel condemned and scared because I have made it clear to him that I don't want him in my life anymore, he retaliated with abuse so the police called him. I hope he leaves us alone for good now. This whole time I have been so confused, thinking I don't want him around my son and a part of me really doesn't but at the core of all of this I realize that I don't want him in my life anymore let alone my sons, that I don't want to be treated this way anymore... putting my child aside what is even more significant to me is having the awareness and understanding that I have put up with so much **** and been beating down and utterly broken by this man, he has done nothing for us, he's only seen our child 20 odd times in two years and half of those times he was putting me down.. I don't want him anywhere near me. Why do I now feel condemned for putting boundaries in place and not being a door matt for him anymore - god I am so pathetic and weak.. why do I struggle with this for. I feel like I have to justify why I don't want to be abused anymore.. can anyone see how mad this is... that I am scared to not be abused anymore because I know that means cutting him off and I feel guilty for it - I feel so pathetic.. how did a someone like me who was once so very strong woman become so stupid and pathetic! This is not about spite, I must keep on telling myself that, as he continues to brainwash me and make me feel crazy.. I just want to be protected - is that too much to ask!? Help, I am feeling condemned for not wanting this for my life anymore.. I don't care if he is the father of my child.. he cant treat me this way anymore.
