Originally Posted by
DragonInTheSky 
And please answer this: WHY DO YOU STAY???
I stayed because of dysfunctional coping mechanisms and thought patterns, lack of boundaries and/or no skills to identify and uphold boundaries, emotional enmeshment, fear, love, desire for family, pity, stubbornness, obligation, and I was raised in a family just like the one I helped create so it is all I knew.
I could write pages of why I stayed. It is kind of like asking why are you an addict. There are a lot of complex factors.
Every one of you have your own issues to deal with here.
Yup. That is kind of why we hang out here.
Us addicts have to, and so should you.
Actually everyone is going to decide for themselves what they face up to. Many alcoholics die drunk and many co-dependents die bitter and broken. What are you going to do? All I can do is determine which direction I'm going to go.
I am sick of reading posts by family members/friends that tote all of the blame for their screwed up lives on their addict loved ones, without ever facing the reasons they allow it in the first place. The fact is that most of you are too scared to face your own demons, so you place all of the blame on the addict/s in your life so you don't have to confront your own crap.
There is a solution to that you know. Here and in real life. Just like we (F&F) have the power to get away from people that are damaging us - so do you. Do you find it ironic that you are all fired up and frustrated about other people? You come here complaining about how much this forum and your family annoy you because they complain about other people instead of staying in their own hula hoop. Because I have to tell you - it is very familiar.
Even so, if you never face your own demons it is virtually guaranteed that even if you leave your addict partner, you will face the same problems over and over again in future relationships, because there is something in YOU that needs to change first. The partners and family members of alcoholics and addicts may not be sick with substance abuse, but most are still sick in many different ways,
Yup. That is why we are here and in al-anon etc. It is a messy difficult process and if it annoys you, look away.
Originally Posted by
DragonInTheSky That's the thing Dee. I've been looking inward a great deal, and find that a lot of the "friends and family of alcoholics" on this forum don't do a lot of looking inward on their own. They won't get anywhere unless they start to.
Coming here to bitch at us doesn't look like looking inward. It looks a lot like looking at and worrying about someone else's problems. I recognize that because I've invested a lot of time in it over the years but now that I am learning a new way to live - I realize what a colossal waste of life that was.
And I stayed for 16 years - and then I left. We all reach our bottom eventually - of whatever particular hole we are in.