All I can tell you is this: If you're waiting for other people to give you permission to leave, you won't ever leave.
I didn't know how many friends AXH had until I left him. My GOD he must have dug through address books 30 years down in the geology judging by all the people who contacted me and advised me to go to Al-Anon (thank you, been doing that for four years) and forgive him because God said so and telling me it wasn't really that bad and telling me now that he's sobering up it's your duty to Stand By Your Man.
I never responded to a single one of them because I knew my responses would go straight to my ex. But what I wanted to say was something like, "When you have lived my life for 20 years, and when you determine that you want to take over my life and responsibilities and want to live with this guy for the foreseeable future -- THAT is when I will take your advice into consideration. Until then? You can shove it."