Hi all,
Today is my son's birthday. I had a craving last night when I pulled into the shopping center with a massive liquor store. I just wanted to drink this sadness away - not even get to the day. But I didn't want to be hungover today. When he died, I promised to act like the mother I would have been. Within 8 months, I was abusing alcohol and starting my second long period (and what has been the longest jaunt in sobriety I've ever had, at 26 months) of sobriety. I hate this part of my life. I hate that my house feels empty on days like this... as much as my girls fill my life with joy, I miss him terribly. I think back to that time, 7 years ago, and can't believe I endured. Since then, whenever something stressful happens in my life, I say to myself "I got through my child's death. I gave birth - laboring for 18 hours, knowing I would be holding my son who has no breath in him." and everything else falls away. Gaining sobriety has been the second hardest thing in my life. I hope that nothing will ever be as hard as that moment I was told there was no heartbeat.