When people resist your effort to change?
I'm almost 9 months sober. Several weeks ago, I did a 4th and 5th step and found that my biggest character defect is the fact that I never speak up and say anything when someone hurts me. I always continue to smile and pretend like nothing's wrong, even though I'm really destroyed on the inside. My sponsor told me to start standing up for myself.
I realized this might be tough, because my husband and I have been together 8 years, and I've never EVER said anything before when he says/does something hurtful. That's made our relationship very unhealthy. We've never even had a fight before. But since he's in the program with 25 years of sobriety, I thought he'd be understanding/patient with me while I learn to become a more healthy person.
He's never had any issue telling me when I make a mistake. I've always respectfully stopped, validated his feelings (even if I thought they were silly), and treated him with compassion. I'd apologize if necessary and make a mental note to be careful in that area. I suppose I thought he'd treat me the same way.
But instead, he lashes out at me, and tells me that my hurt feelings are my problem, and to get over it. That really hurts. It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my well-being. It makes me feel like he doesn't respect me.
When I told him how that behavior makes me feel, he quotes the Big Book and says "Whenever I'm disturbed, there's something wrong with me" -- and again re-emphasizes that my hurt feelings are my problem. He turns around and tells his friends that I'm just mentally unbalanced and a "damn newcomer".
This is the most dehumanizing reaction I could imagine. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I think I'd feel better if he'd just hit me instead. (FYI, there's no violence in our relationship.) At least then, the injury would be visible and undeniable. But he'd probably blame me for defectively bruising/bleeding!
I've always looked up to him and respected him. He was my hero. And now I'm realizing he no respect or concern for me whatsoever.
At my insistence, we went to a marriage counselor and discussed on this. She also advised him that his behavior is not acceptable. But he won't take any responsibility. He says it's not his fault that I'm unreasonably sensitive.
I've never been this hurt before. I don't know how to handle it. I'm doing my best to try to become a more healthy person. I didn't expect him to fight against me. I thought he wanted me to become better.
I talked with my sponsor, and she told me to keep standing up for myself. But I'm already so hurt. I'm afraid of getting hurt more.
Again there's no violence. But we have a two-year-old, and I really don't want her to learn that this behavior is okay.
I don't want to stop working my program just because his life is easier if I'm sick. I just want to be healthy and sober without getting attacked for it.
Is this an acceptance thing? Is it a Serenity Prayer thing? Is it "life on life's terms"? What is this?