Fear of change
The past few days have been really difficult. Two months ago I finally asked my husband, who is a recovering drug/alcohol/gambling/pornography etc. addict for a divorce. We have two very young children, and not enough money to support two households. He moved to a shabby apartment about two months ago. To address our cash shortfall, he and his parents have proposed that they purchase my interest in our townhome (where I currently live) so that I can rent from them or he can move in. (I kind of suspect he chose a shabby apartment so they would rescue him from it with this type of plan.) He claims he doesn't want to move in ("too many bad memories," which probably doesn't refer to the time he overdosed on crystal meth in front of my kids) but if I don't want to rent from his parents, that's what he's willing to do, you know, just long enough to spend their money to fix it up and swap it for a sweet place of his own.
I don't want to lose my house; I want to live there with my kids. I guess this is just my fear of change acting up. I want to maintain a good relationship with my in-laws, but this is probably just fantasy on my part. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of (they have money, I have none, ergo I lose the house) and it's just a horrible, powerless feeling. I can't believe I tolerated his addiction and outrageous behavior for 20 years, and now I'm being put out of my house. That's pretty naive, right?
Or maybe I'm the mentally ill one. Maybe this offer (to buy my share of the house, and let me stay there as a renter) is some kind of peace offering. My AH says he'd feel like a "****** father" if he didn't make this offer, but I feel taken advantage of. Do I have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement? The old demons of self-doubt and self-loathing are back in full force today.
Still, I remember this is all part of God's plan for me. I know that God has put these circumstances before me for a reason, and that he has a bigger plan that in the end will lead to better times. I'm grateful I have a bed to sleep in this evening, and for my two beautiful children. I'm so grateful for the Al-Anon program and for my friends in that program, and for the support of my friends outside the program, as well.
Anyway, I know others have been through far worse. I don't want to seem like a whiner. I love you guys. Thanks.