I am not a religious person- I dont even go to church. But I promise you this, I grew up in a home with 10 siblings and alot of parties etc. They all still drink as I write you this and I cant get away from it. I use to drink at least 24 beers a day on a working 10 hr. day. And alot more if I was off work. I am only 100 lbs. and 5ft. so they beers should have hit me hard but they never did. It all went down like it was 2nd nature because that it was I was accustom to.I drank since 8years of age sneaking from the fridge that was always loaded and never getting caught. My drinking slowly got worse as I got older. I began to hang with older people and got into a bad circle of things and people. Then one day-- I was drinking as usual. just sitting at my dining room table. And I felt as if I was removed. I know this may sound crazy- Hell it made me scared as **** too. But I had a house full of people all that were drinking also. But I felt removed- I mean actually removed. I wasnt there. When I came back to , I was still in the dining room and nothing around my house has changed. But, I felt different. I mean I was still Monica. But different. I has about 5 cases of beer unopened by the fridge and a 1/2 drank beer in my hand. But, I suddenly had this urge to get up and get rid of it all. I gave away the bers and announced to everyone that I was done. It didnt even seem like me speaking. But I will tel you this- whoever GOD may be I feel strongly that he came to me that very day. I didnt pray or even ask for it. I hope you dont take this as if Im a quack but I mean this when I say it. Everyone around me has seen the change - I now have a loving heart and good attitude. I use to get into fist fights and I was a bad person. I dont know why I was chosen or what even happened that night of April 2012. But what I can tell you is we all have inner power and guidance. I cant tell you how to find it and I dont even know if praying will help you either. But what I will advise ou to do is to take each day as a blessing. I know it sounds so cliche- but really. I urge you to get in touch with you without the distractions of outside life. Maybe get a tent and backpack and disappear for a few weeks. You need to find yourself before you can gain control of yourself. The moment that you can look at something that otherwise would have angered you and you laugh or find beauty in the unexpected then and only then will you know that you have a greater appreciation for life itself. I dont know if you will find help in my posting or not for it probably makes no sense. I am sorry if it dont make sense but, I am just full of thoughts and they all collide together at once creating a crossword in my head that I have to assemble into a sentence and try to make it make sense. Good luck on your journey and I will hope that you to have that wake up moment when nothing eles matters but your happiness.