Will I just always be this way? Can people change dramatically? drastically?
I went without drinking any alcohol for the first time in 12 years for 26 days. The most I could get straight in a row was maybe 5 or 6 or 7, then I'd go back to my buddy, my pal. This time it was not a huge struggle. I was sick of the health problems, the nervousness, the guilt and shame, the icky feeling that comes with being a daily, functioning drunkard. To me the word functioning means living a dark cold guilt ridden existence....knowing I could be more. for others. for myself. I was sober. Completely. Nothing else. I woke up. I stayed up until midnight working and cleaning and preparing for the next day. It was so lovely. I could go to a musical and not be rushing everyone so I could get home and drink. My mother said "are you still not drinking? Your whole entire countenance has changed!" It was all great. But, I had to lie to her. I had been drinking. It was strange. I went from a person who just doesn't drink at all, and being comfortable with that, to an 8 day stretch now. I spent some time with a few people I love, but I wasn't ready to hear what they were saying to me, and then I moved on to another relatives house, and on the way I bought some alcohol.
Now I have been nursing it each and every day. I hate myself again. I feel depressed again, I feel like I will just be a damned loser my whole entire life, the emobdiment of mediocrity and a loser.
I feel like I have to fight. I have to choose good things every day for myself and my family. I just wish I were stronger. When I was traveling and away from home it was pretty easy to stay sober,but when I got back home, I began to struggle. No. That is not true. I began to struggle after being with a close family member who has a lot of issues and loves denial. bla bla bla,..............it could have been anything.
It was so cool, being at live performances and being able to drive my mom around at midnight. I loved that more than anything: not being a total disappointing jerk to the people I loved. Being available. Showing up and not giving them that feeling that I was just putting up with them, because secretly I wanted to get back to my booze. I don't want to be that person anymore.
I will try again. I crave your prayers and your good loving counsel that has been such a huge help to me in my first really long stretch at total sobriety.
Thank you my kind friends!